Lady Luck Speaks

Desi dating and desires from the doctor of delight.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Ghost Girl

Recent adventures on Facebook have revealed two uncomfortable truths.

Truth one - my lack of a cohesive friend 'group' inside college.

Fair cop; the people I got on best with left. The people still left are good mates I'm friends with on an individual basis. Whilst I may not have any animosity towards others in their 'respective' groups, I'm not automatically considered part of a group due to the lack of time I've spent with them as a whole.

The reason I don't want to 'limit' myself to just the one group is a diversity of interests. Not everyone is into things I like, so I find myself reaching out to new groups who may/may not have a 'niche' set of interests in order to stimulate myself. I try not to oblige myself entirely to a group - they might meet 4 times a month and I'd most likely make one of the four due to having three other groups to hang out with.

I may never be lonely on a Friday night; but I'm not guaranteed I won't end up 'alone'.

Lady Luck's lesson to those in the early years of medschool - start going out on 'medic' nights out, leaving aside whether 'sports night' is your thing. You won't ever feel entirely left out and you will meet some decent enough friends over time who will provide the group pictures you need to stop yourself looking/feeling like a loner.

Truth two - I used to be a GhostGirl

Y'know, one of those less conventionally attractive types with a really fit mate. My mate was the kind of girl who had this effect: everyone would look disappointed each time I met them alone, not asking me how I was before asking about her whereabouts. The rest of her friends failed to recognise me without her - entire conversations occured in front of me before I'd stepped in to chat.

I spent very much of my first year feeling invisible. Believe it or not, I'm still known as 'her mate'. I've not spoken to this chick in three years and found myself very hurt when one of our acquaintances asked me to remind him of my name after seeing me continually through five years of medical school.

Being FitGirl's mates did ensure an invite to every party going - good fun, but damn tiring after a while when you figured out that people didn't like you on your own merits. FitGirl also had this effect on other girls - they gave her a wide berth if they weren't in the 'Fit' category themselves.

She herself wasn't openly bitchy but continually failed to make an effort with any girl she couldn't avoid.

I thank my lucky stars that I didn't end up sharing a flat with her, another fittie and three lads in my second year. The lack of respect from the lads would've really got me down. Though the FitGirl herself was alright (a few irritating quirks aside) - her hangers-on left a lot to be desired.

I have never felt comfortable opening-up to her and know that it was this which broke our friendship down. It turned out my gut feeling was right - I've never spoken to those guys since; who needs enemies when you've got friends like those, eh?

Whilst we're on the subject of feeling unattractive; I'd like to know why I've only ever had the one British Asian guy romantically interested in my intellect? Plenty of men from other races, not to mention their subcontinental counterparts are feeling it - so why not them?

Answers on a postcard please!

17 Comments:

At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello, i was going through kottu.org and stumbled onto your blog. I'm a third year medic at imerial, just thought i'd say hi. And totally know what you mean about facebook:-)

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger S said...

Hey - thanks for the 'hi'.

Facebook sucks!

 
At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Riz said...

hmm...wow...this sure is a small world...considerg im a 3rd yr medic too who only recently stumbled upon kottu myslf.

anyhow, helps to kno im not the only one feelg: 'i-dont-hav-a-group-to-hang-out-with' and 'noone-notices-me'. hmm...mayb its jus part of this degree.

gud writing, S. laters.

 
At 2:31 PM, Anonymous childof25 said...

"I'd like to know why I've only ever had the one British Asian guy romantically interested in my intellect? Plenty of men from other races, not to mention their subcontinental counterparts are feeling it - so why not them?" - I'm probably just being exceptionally retarded today but didn't really understand what sounds like a fascinating question...care to elaborate?

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Rhythmic Diaspora said...

British Asian guys - dodgy!!

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger S said...

Rhythmic - why'd you say 'dodgy' - are you not a BritAsian yourself?

Child of 25 - it's just an observation a couple of other SL-origin girls have experienced too.

Without meaning to sound arrogant, I attend one of Britain's best universities. My friends (from outside university, blogging etc) are a similarly privileged bunch.
My friends are a mix of races, splitting at Asian-South&East/White 60:40.

I'm very into my books, music and politics, interests which attract the whole spectrum of ethnicities I find attractive. Since I can carry a conversation, I've found myself getting asked out by friends and acquaintances of every race.

My observations are as follows:

Educated men tend to wait longer to put you in a position to ask them out/vice versa.

99% of the less socially-privileged people I've had asked me out, did so without knowing my name. The vast majority were black.
I had the good sense to say 'no' to someone who didn't make the effort to find out my name - 'doll' or 'luvvie' ain't good enough for this chica!

Back to the educated men. 60% of the people what've asked me out are white.

The rest of the educated guys who asked me out were Asian, 95% of them being from the subcontinent, 5% from the UK.

I do indeed wonder what exactly my own demographic have rejected me on? My not being skinny and smily? That can't be the only reason - lots of chubbier girls have kept their Brit-Asian bf's.

The only thing that sets me apart from these girls is what I talk about - leading me to question whether 'intellect' is the reason for rejection?

 
At 3:44 AM, Blogger Rhythmic Diaspora said...

S - I am, I was just joking.

 
At 5:39 AM, Anonymous savi3 said...

what happened to 'opposites attract'?

ya some BritAsian men can be well dodgy !

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger Wandering Medic aka The Wanderer said...

S, I think the reason for you not being asked out by Asian guys probably hangs on traditional stereotypes about position in society. You and I both know that our culture (indeed most cultures) look on women being subservient or at the very least following every whim of the men of the family. I don't think its either good or bad, as it can be a position of strength as well.

But, that tradition subconsciously percolates through in our upbringing and Asian girls/women on the whole tend to accept it too. Your intelligence probably frightens them (as it did me when I first met you!) as they're unlikely to compete at your level and feel threatened that their traditional role as alpha male might be removed.

On a personal note, I love intelligent girls but it would be scary not to be wearing the pants in the family (or losing the perception at any rate because no man truly controls his family!)

Anyway, its their loss, not yours. There are good people out there. Who knows, you might find yours on elective!

 
At 9:08 PM, Anonymous childof25 said...

I personally rate intelligence as very high on the requirements for a successful relationship, probably second after initial attraction. I would consider myself somewhat educated and intelligent (apart from the occasional lapse) having been cooped up at Imperial for four years and the idea of going out with someone who doesn’t have her own opinions and isn’t intelligent is not my idea of a perfect relationship. The obvious exception to this would be a horrendously attractive, dumb girl I’m just interested in for a booty call.

I don’t think Sri Lankan guys in my generation (and I’m assuming that‘s who you mean by Brit-Asian?) are anti-intellectual in terms of prospective girlfriends. I’ve met quite a few SL guys in their mid thirties however who are married to girls who at least to me appear timid, easily controlled and relatively ‘uneducated.’ Both my friends and I definitely look for independent, smart girls and never really go for doormats.

Maybe you have a surplus of Sri Lankan girls, and of course a shortage of guys. Do SL guys actually get scared off when you start getting intellectual. Feel free to hit me up at childof25@gmail.com to continue this discussion :)…

 
At 5:24 AM, Anonymous savi3 said...

'I’ve met quite a few SL guys in their mid thirties however who are married to girls who at least to me appear timid, easily controlled and relatively ‘uneducated.’

ditto that observation by childof25. most of my 'educated and intelligent' male friends are married to girls that fit the above description :)

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger S said...

Savi3 - I hate it when they do that. I guess they're subscribers to the psychology akacybercoolie just described?

Childof25 - I may well hit you up on the email. Chances are we've probably met at college!

 
At 2:21 PM, Anonymous savi3 said...

S quite a few of those marriages were 'arranged' but they all seem very happy so maybe that's how things are meant to be in Asian marriages.. alpha male and subservient female :)

btw where are u going on elective? i'm sure u must have told me but the memory ain't what it used to be :(

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger S said...

I'm going to Colombo General, innit. Just like every other fekker on here :P

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Rhythmic Diaspora said...

I risk lowering the tone with this "shallow" comment but it strikes me that you may be looking too hard. I often find what I have been seeking as soon as I stop looking for it. Admittedly it is usually car keys or my wallet but I suspect the principle may apply to British Asians too!

 
At 9:16 AM, Anonymous savi3 said...

ahh excellent that's where i went as well.good experience, lotsa pathology,outpatients is the best place for SIGNS. amazing !! when u going? i used to go in on saturdays as well cos the SL med students r on the wards all weekend !!

 
At 5:57 PM, Anonymous childof25 said...

Hit me up!;)...hmmm...I graduated 2004...can't remember anyone that fits ur profile, mind you in grad school I just didn't have the time to get involved in SL Soc events, so didnt meet many Sri Lankans...if u were there 99-03 I should know u...

 

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