Lady Luck Speaks

Desi dating and desires from the doctor of delight.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Friendships and relationships : more musings

Nocturnal greetings to you all. As you can see I have emerged from a pile of revision and plunged myself into another pile of angst.

Without meaning to sound melodramatic, all things on the revision-front appeared to have ground to a halt thanks to the World Cup final and the number of guests we've had over. In true Ruhuna Kella (that's Southern Sri Lankan girl) style, I took to the role of hostess (my mother chose to nap) with gusto and enjoyed the pleasant respite from the books.

Needless to say, I did my utmost to delay the return. Allergy-attacks, tidying-up, interesting TV programmes (such as 'Blind Young Things' and 'Dispatches : India's Economy') and uninteresting viewing fodder ('Joseph' and 'Grease is the Word'), a visit to the Beauty Shop, a talk from Ajahn Brahm and OKCupid have ranked amongst my distractionary activities.

I've (shamefully) started using Facebook as a stalkbook - it's hard to resist checking out your crush's ex-girlfriends and inadvertently comparing yourself in the process. I'm glad it's killed the intellectual inadequacy I had when under the impression those girls got firsts in physics and computing (they turned out to be geologists - PAH) but it's heightened the physical barrier as it'd be wrong to describe me as porcelain, funky or elfin-featured in any way/shape or form. It's difficult to hypothetically (as said crush is currently taken by an elfin-faced Jewish artist) decide whether to 'go there' or not based on the fact I'm so different to what Mr Yum has had before.

Perhaps it's best to let the crush decide as I've got it astoundingly wrong in the past! Limiting factors are different in each case - I may have been artistic, intelligent, dark-haired and tanned; the similar to a previous crush's exes but my Body Mass Index was ten points higher than theirs. Crushes are perfectly entitled to reject on such grounds - I'd have few qualms rejecting someone on equally trivial grounds (crap CD collection, deficient oral hygiene, preference for polyester-based sports clothing) .

Either way, rejection hurts - and this is precisely why I am r.e.l.u.c.t.a.n.t to go there again. As I get older, the number of prospective dates I meet drops. I also have less time to devote to said dates, which is why I get pickier over whom I choose to spend my spare time with. The stakes devoted to the success of each venture rise as the ventures are fewer and far between and hence, a negative outcome from these ventures has much greater effect than it should. I tend not to take the positive outcomes to heart as a second/third date is a bonus in my world - and expectations lead to disappointment - fact.

My ego is consequently a tad fragile where relationships are concerned - I've been told all sorts of things as to why I have failed in said arena and they're not the sort of things I can correct with ease. Intimidation, tendency to minimise small talk, weight (ok, I've lost a stone since Xmas but it's still not good enough to look *good* in Topshop), sounding too posh/not sounding posh enough, not being girlie enough/being too eccentric - the whole caboodle is enough to send a girl neurotic. Either way, I've decided to push said matter to one side; I'm positive there's someone out there who'll accept me as I am and not hate me enough to not want to donate their sperm/time/company. I've just not met them yet.

Relationship insecurities aside, I turn to relationship musings of another type - platonic friendships. It's been preying on my mind since job allocations came my way - geographical separation is going to mean I'll have to make new chums and see the old bunch less.

Ever since I was a small person, I've had a lot of friends. The friends would often be in disparate places, e.g. different year groups/from different activities and hence, not always get the chance to meet each other. I've chosen to spend time where my interest takes me, e.g. doing the activity that 'I' want to do. Through this I've enjoyed the company of a variety of people but find that, as time goes by, the times I see said friends are as part of groups they see on a more regular basis.

On socialising with a group, you compromise your interactions with an individual. Having a partner (or partners/other priorities) means the time that said individual has for you is diminished. Consequently, a friendship which could've been great is shot from the start by circumstances outside your control. The same person goes on to skank your events 'cos you've not spent time with them. A similar situation occurs when you skank their event for another friend's, by virtue of socialising with too many other groups. You keep missing each other, the cycle continues, to the point where you'll never be bored on a Friday night, but only a select few will think to put you first as/when you need them the most. Understandably, you'll have a few friends who feel uncomfortable coming to events where they haven't met the entire guestlist before, but thankfully, these types are being deleted (from my life) into phonebook obscurity.

Conclusively, the security from a group is something a lot of humans crave. By virtue of my own behaviour (i.e. the desire to spend time with those who stimulate me most), I've excluded myself from the comfort zone of automatic invites and kudos/favours by proxy. I'd like to learn how to take comfort in the sidelines and positively enjoy the detachment/lack of obligation that objectivity (and staying out of intra-group politiking) brings.

What do you guys make of this 'friendship' thing?

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